Smoking

Do not drive into smoke. Oklahoma, July 2003.

Backstory

From age 16 and on into into my 50s, I smoked. Probably a pack and a half a day as an adult. 

Chantix made it possible for me to quit. I'm not endorsing Chantix; it's not for everyone. But it worked for me. 

I quit in 2009 or 2010. 

The beauty of Chantix is that I went through nicotine withdrawal while I still smoked. That's because the drug blocks the narcotic effect of nicotine when you smoke. 

Consequently, I eventually lost all desire to smoke. Because there came a time when I realized: what was the point? I derived no pleasure from the nicotine, so it really just kind of pissed me off to draw on a cigarette and gain none of the drugging benefits. 

I did not choose a quit date when I began to take Chantix. It just became evident over time that I was getting no juice out of smoking and my smoking dwindled down to nothing. And stayed that way. 

Another advantage - for me - of Chantix is that I have never - never - had even the slightest wistful thought about resuming smoking. 

Now, there was an emotional turbulence effect once I quit, because I found my temper - untempered by the smoothing smoke of a cigarette - flared when I entered uncomfortable interactions with others. I'd had no idea how much smoking had blurred the edges of my ire. 

Two close friends also tried Chantix. For one friend, it provoked unpleasant feelings or dreams, and she stopped taking it. I guess I'd say for the other friend, it was kind of effective, maybe, but over the long haul, no. This friend has always been able to stop for months at a stretch and then take it up again for awhile, then put it down again. She still does this. 

I'm just stupidly grateful Chantix worked for me. 

My future as a past smoker, into the Land of Age

Will my smoking history catch up to me as I age? Maybe. I hope not, but maybe. 

If I end up with emphysema, COPD, lung cancer, or some other smoking-related illness, then I'm going to hate that. But I will be very grateful that I was able to quit when I did, and I'll accept the consequences with grace. If I were still smoking, and any of these devilments were to swoop down, then what I would feel is deep shame and ... I will not sugarcoat it for myself ... self-loathing. 

By the by, do I judge those who've not been able to quit smoking when they wanted? Fuck, no. For one, it's not a question of one's morals, values, or character. The addiction to smoking is every bit as vicious as that to heroin, alcohol, or a myriad of other drugs.